


Anything For You

by McRaider



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale has a bad feeling about this, Crowley doesn't know how to say no, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Fantasy, fantasy gone wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 01:48:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19735900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McRaider/pseuds/McRaider
Summary: Crowley could never tell Aziraphale that he didn’t enjoy penetration, he knew his partner loved it. Crowley, noticing that Aziraphale has seemed less interested in physical intimacy lately, suggests something a little…rougher. But that means facing a part of his past that Crowley isn’t entirely comfortable with.





	Anything For You

**Author's Note:**

> created to meet these two prompts on Good Omens Kink Meme, prompt 1 and prompt 2. It also alludes to this prompt which I may expand on depending on how this one does. This is E 100%, mind the tags, if you can’t handle it, please don’t read it, and that’s not a shame on you, it’s simply me saying we’ve all got triggers, please respect yours. Don’t do what Crowley does in this and ignore your triggers.
> 
> If this is...liked, is that a weird way to say it, anyway I may expand on it and answer the third prompt

Anything For You  
McRaider  
  


It had been during the years spent as Warlock’s nanny, when Crowley good and truly discovered why he didn’t enjoy penetration. The things that had happened there, the things that had been done to him…as a female were things he never told anyone about. Not even his closest friend. He remained silent and when the time came for him to return to being Crowley, he was all too happy to go back to presenting as non-gendered.

Crowley had always loved Aziraphale, in a way that demon’s shouldn’t really be capable of: wholly and completely in a way that frequently felt like there wasn’t enough space in his chest for his human heart and all these absurd emotions. It was with those feelings that Crowley and his angel finally begun to feel out their relationship.

As he was with food, Aziraphale enjoyed sex, he wasn’t stupid, he’d spent plenty of time with Oscar Wilde and even some time with Alan Touring, he’d enjoyed sex when he’d had it, so he’d been open to it when Crowley had casually suggested it as the next level in their relationship.

But a year into the their “relationship” which despite being best friends for six millennia and loving each other at least that long, had now developed more into physical intimacy than ever, Aziraphale had started to notice. “Could we perhaps…I mean it’s just, you’re always doing the penetrating, and please don’t get me wrong, my love. I enjoy it, I do, but perhaps we could switch roles, once in awhile?” The angel had asked in his nervous and fussy way that told Crowley it had been on his mind constantly.

Naturally, because Crowley couldn’t deny his angel anything, he’d agreed to it. They’d done it both ways of course, with Crowley as a male and as a female, and in both cases it was clear that Aziraphale had enjoyed every second of it. While presenting as male, it had taken Aziraphale a great deal longer to finish Crowley off, and it had only happened once he’d pulled out and promptly given the demon head. As a female, Crowley never came. He’d lied about it, acted like he’d enjoyed it then waited until his lover wasn’t looking or awake or paying him mind and he tried not to sob into a pillow at the physical agony and painful memories it brought back.

That had been three months ago, and over the last three months, their sexual intimacy had decreased dramatically. Crowley was worried Aziraphale had noticed Crowley’s dislike for being penetrated, though the angel hadn’t said anything. Worried the angel might decide he was bored with him, Crowley came up with what was probably easily the worst idea in human history. “I was thinking, maybe we could do something a bit rougher,” Crowley suggested over wine in the back one evening.

Aziraphale’s eyes seemed to dilate at the very idea, but always the one to appear relatively calm, he straightened his jumper, “Really, what did you have in mind?”

Aziraphale had, in fact, noticed Crowley’s reaction the last three times he’d attempted to penetrate the demon, he’d also noticed that Crowley had clearly lied about his orgasm when he’d been presenting female. Aziraphale had read enough juicy smut in his time to know you could feel a woman orgasm around you. Though he’d never been a fan of the female body as a whole, he’d liked the idea of Crowley being easier to penetrate. While Aziraphale had enjoyed it, it was certainly not something he ever intended to do again. Especially not when he’d heard Crowley’s near silent sobs an hour and a half later. Whatever had made his demon cry like that made Aziraphale want to smite someone.

“I uh, I’ve always had this rape fantasy, thought maybe you could, pretend to attack me,” Crowley suggested, forcing a sly playful grin, but his stomach was churning at the very idea and he hoped he didn’t appear as pale as he felt.

Aziraphale studied his partner for a long minute; he looked ashen, almost afraid. A part of the angel said there was absolutely no way he should allow this to go on, but another part of him, the very male part of his anatomy was responding in an all together different way. He remembered speaking to Anathema briefly after Crowley and he had done the female version of penetration, Aziraphale had of course been terrified he’d hurt his demon. Anathema just explained that if Crowley didn’t want to share, then Aziraphale needed to trust that he was a grown…demon and trust he knew what was best. Aziraphale couldn’t help but think that Crowley definitely did NOT always what was best for himself and this was probably one of those situations.

“Are you, quite sure? You…you didn’t seem quite as interested in that a few months back,” Aziraphale reasoned.

Crowley shrugged it off, as though the concern was nothing, “I was having an off day. Come on angel, you know you want to, there’s got to be a kinky angel in there somewhere.”

Taking a deep breath, and deciding he needed to trust his partner, he nodded, “Right, yes, actually I could be very interested in that. Only if you’re sure, and I’d like to have a way…out if you will?”

“What, like a safe word?” Crowley asked incredulously.

“Yes, exactly, so that if you feel like it’s too much we can stop.”

Crowley’s brows furrowed, “Why do you presume it’d be too much?”

Crowley’s response was snappier than he’d meant it, all the same Aziraphale eyed him for a long moment. “It’s not a presumption, my dear, it’s simply an option. What one does with their partner when they may be a bit rougher than usual? It’s just a way to ensure both parties are still enjoying it as we go on.”

“Unnecessary,” Crowley countered.

Bless the demon’s stubbornness, “Crowley, it’s not just about whether you need it or not, it could become too much for me. I don’t like hurting people. I’m simply asking that we put it in place, neither one of us may need it.”

Crowley’s heart was beating faster than his Bentley drove, or so it seemed, but he nodded all the same, “Fine. What word? Food is out, you’ll just start dreaming about pears or something.”

“I like pears,” Aziraphale whispered, before shaking his head. “Quite right, how about Queen, they’re you’re favorite band. Seems fitting in case you need to escape.”

“Since neither of us will use it, sounds perfect.”

“Right then, when did you want to do this?” Aziraphale questioned.

Crowley raised his eyebrow, staring at his friend, “Come now, angel. That’s the entire point, it’s meant to be a surprise to me. Whenever you are ready, so to speak. Today, tomorrow, whenever.”

Despite his poise, Crowley was shaking inside at the very idea of this, but he couldn’t lose Aziraphale. Not after waiting six millennia for him to even show a flicker of interest. They each went their own way that evening, Crowley back to his flat, while Aziraphale went about cleaning up his bookshop for the night.

It felt as though there were a stone sitting in the base of Aziraphale’s stomach. Of course he was interested in this, he was interested in anything Crowley was open to, sexually or otherwise. However, at this very moment he couldn’t help but feel like this was truly the worst idea Crowley had ever come up with, and maybe being the smarter of the two, and the angel, Aziraphale should’ve had the wherewithal to say no.

But he didn’t, and life went on as it always had for the next several days, to the point where Crowley had almost completely forgotten he’d ever suggested it in the first place. Aziraphale, for his part, stood outside the door to his lover’s flat feeling queasy. His hand pressed to the door, he sent a silent prayer to whoever the heaven was listening, that he wasn’t about to destroy his one and true friend.

With a slow, shaky breath out, he miracles himself on the other side of Crowley’s door and allows his eyes to adjust to the grim emptiness of Crowley’s flat. It was late, three in the morning almost; Crowley most certainly won’t be expecting it. Aziraphale had prepped as much as he can himself, he’s not sure he’s anymore mentally prepared for this than his partner, but if Crowley really wanted this…well who was Aziraphale to deny him.

He walked silently through the flat, towards the bedroom. Crowley’s bedroom, like all the things he treasures most, is dark and dim. The bed was large, king sized and absurdly comfortable and blanketed. A four poster bed would do well for what Aziraphale had in mind. The angel hoped desperately that his lover knew he could say the safe word at any second, and with a quick snap of his fingers Crowley was spread out, his arms trussed up to the top bed posts. Aziraphale had chosen soft fluffy cuffs that would ensure the demon didn’t get hurt too badly.

He then pulled back the blankets, still pleased the demon hadn’t woken quite yet, and snapped his fingers once more to ensure that all of Crowley’s clothes were gone and that the demon was at least mildly prepared.

Then, Aziraphale climbed on top of him, snapping again to get rid of his own clothes. He closed his eyes for one brief moment, before he pressed his hand to Crowley’s mouth and bent close. Yellow eyes shot open, filled with fear and terror, though it lessened slightly when he realized it was Aziraphale. “Remember the word, my love,” Aziraphale assured him.

Then Aziraphale looked down at the long lithe body, enjoying the sight of the demon he loved. Crowley was presenting as male this time around, which worked just fine for Aziraphale as that’s what he preferred on his lover anyway. “Pretty little whore, aren’t you,” he murmured, though hating the word on his tongue he bent closer and slowly began to kiss trails all over Crowley’s belly and thighs.

Crowley was completely still at first, shaking with fear, and Aziraphale had half a mind to stop there, not make another move, or another sound, to untie his lover and hold him. But Crowley stared at him, mouth clenched close, eyes filled with something Aziraphale couldn’t quite put his finger on. “Naughty boy, who wants to be taken and shown what it’s like to be owned,” his voice grew a little husky as he shoved a finger into Crowley’s hole.

Crowley flinched at that, wincing, but remained stoically silent, a small moan slipped from his mouth as Aziraphale began to stoke his prostate. Crowley’s own cock was beginning to come alive, albeit nothing like Aziraphale’s prick at the moment, which was standing a full attention.

“So beautiful,” Aziraphale murmured as he thrust a second and then third finger in, he could feel Crowley shaking and glanced up at his lovers face to see his eyes clenched shut, whether in pain or fear, he wasn’t sure. “Crowley--”

“Keep going,” Crowley strangled out, though it sounded like Crowley had dug deep to believe the words he forced out of his mouth.

“I’m gonna fuck you so hard, you’ll feel it next week,” Aziraphale offered before he withdrew his hand and slammed in one full thrust into Crowley’s thankfully slick hole. Crowley cried out this time, trying desperately to scramble and grab a hold of something.

Aziraphale couldn’t ignore how good it felt, being entirely sheathed inside his lover. His natural instincts began to take over and he started thrusting, hard and fast, grunting occasionally, he flattened himself onto Crowley and moaned, “Such a beautiful creature,” he murmured.

Aziraphale pressed his mouth against Crowley’s, attacking his mouth as much as he attacked his body, thrusting harder than was necessary, all the while desperately hoping his lover would say the word. He heard a whimper and pulled away, hoping maybe the tides were turning and Crowley had started to enjoy himself.

He couldn’t have been more wrong, when he pulled away enough to see Crowley, he saw tears sliding down the beautiful face he loved so much, and he saw his lips shaking as if he was trying desperately to keep his mouth shut. “Crowley, just say it love, please,” Aziraphale begged, hating himself for doing this in the first place.

“Harder,” sobbed Crowley, though he was in a different place and a different time, the nightmares were taking over. He felt hands all over his body, not Aziraphale’s either. He let out a sob as the body shifted and started ramming into him harder and harder.

“Crowley,” a voice broke through, angry and worried, “Say it!” Aziraphale demanded, he was cursing even doing this, he was close and had been enjoying it, but now he was terrified for his partner.

“I’m fine,” Crowley ground out through his teeth, despite that his eyes were clenched shut, his jaw pulled tight and his breathing was rapid and fearful.

Aziraphale could feel himself peaking and as he gets closer and closer he feels his world stop, “Queen,” came the small weakened sob, right as Aziraphale’s release came.

Instantly his orgasm ended and with a wave of his hand, the lights were on, Crowley was unbound and cleaned up, but the damage was done, it was too late. Crowley panicked and scrambled for the loo, slamming the door and promptly vomiting everything he’d eaten for what felt like the past year.

Aziraphale cursed himself, hated himself and silently swore never again would he agree to trust his partner with a stupid idea like this. He should’ve known better, should’ve known there’d been something Crowley had felt he wasn’t able to share.

Moving to the door, he pressed his ear up against it, he could get in of course, it wouldn’t be difficult, but he’d already allowed this to happen, he would give Crowley whatever he truly needed now.

Crowley was crouched by the toilet, sobbing and vomiting every few seconds, dry heaving really. He could still taste the salt, feel their hands all over him. It felt like the world was closing in on him as he tried desperately to pull air into his lungs. All the while he pulled at his hair and kept repeating a single word ‘angel’ over and over again like a mantra that would save his life.

“Crowley, please let me in,” Aziraphale whispered, his heart breaking at the sound of the wet sobs and dry vomiting. He just wanted to touch his partner, but would his touch be welcomed? Would Crowley even allow it? He could hear the muttering, before he finally tried the knob and pushed the door open. Crowley was a wreck, an absolute wreck, his hair was sticking out in every direction, his giant black wings had formed a protective barrier around the demon. He had vomited multiple times, including a couple times that had clearly missed, he was covered in sweat and tears. His long beautiful fingers pulled at his auburn hair and his blackened wings intermittently, all the while he was mumbling through his sobs.

“Oh my dear,” Aziraphale cried softly as he knelt down before the figure, “Please, why did you do this if you didn’t want it?” He pleaded.

Crowley’s eyes shut tighter and he let out a painfully wet sob before collapsing into Aziraphale’s arms, “Please don’t leave me,” he wept.

“Hush my dear, never in a million years,” he whispered as he pressed a kiss to the top of the soft damp hair. “Let’s get you comfortable,” Aziraphale suggested, with a wave of his hand all the sick, snot and sweat was gone. He grabbed a flannel and cleaned off Crowley’s face, and then snapped them both back into some comfortable pajamas. He waved at the bed, making sure it was clean and wouldn’t smell like the sex they’d just foolishly had.

“Lie down my love,” Aziraphale encouraged.

He watched as Crowley struggled to breathe as he continued to sob, heart wrenching sobs unlike anything Aziraphale had seen in a very, very long time. Kneeling down beside the bed, he cautiously pet Crowley’s hair, brushing it away from his face. “Why didn’t you say the word?”

It took several minutes for him to compose himself again and stop sobbing, before Crowley’s yellow eyes looked at Aziraphale, “Wanted you to be happy,” he croaked, his voice raw from crying.

“Sweetheart, seeing you like this doesn’t make you happy. Seeing you in pain whilst I’m trying to give you pleasure is as far from happy as I could possibly be. Darling, that’s what the safe word was for, to stop it before it became too much.”

“’s when I was nanny for Warlock,” Crowley’s voice was empty, raw and filled with agonizing memories.

Aziraphale’s brows worried, “I saw you every day, what happened, why didn’t you tell me?”

Crowley shut his eyes, another sob escaping his mouth, before he slapped his hand over it, “They raped me,” he wept.

Aziraphale felt a flare of pure rage pierce through his body, but he pushed it aside for the moment, “Who, my love? Who did this? Who reduced you to this, my beautiful strong demon? Who tore a hole in the heart of the love of my life?” Aziraphale pressed his forehead against Crowley’s as he gripped the demon’s wrist, the one trying to keep the crying inside.

“There was four of ‘em,” he choked, his face once more getting covered in tears, sweat and snot. “Week an’ a half they came in every night and…and…”

“Raped you.”

Crowley nodded, “Called me names, used to grope me when no one was lookin’. Hated it, I just wanted to leave but we had a job to do,” he cried.

“Oh sweetheart, you should’ve told me.”

“They threatened to hurt you,” he sobbed, knew we were close.”

Aziraphale sighed as he leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lover’s forehead, “You’re safe now, we don’t ever have to do it that way again. I don’t have to penetrate you, dear heart, not if it hurts you. Certainly not if it makes you relive such a horrible memory.”

“Why can’t I be whole again?” Crowley wept.

“You are so much stronger than you believe, my love. So strong. May I hold you?” he asked.

“Not from behind?” Crowley whispered.

Aziraphale nodded and climbed in beside and in front of Crowley. He lay on his back, putting one arm up and across the pillows, letting the other rest on his chest. “It’s okay, when you’re ready,” he soothed.

Crowley still shook as he moved into Aziraphale’s waiting arms, one arm curling around his back and shoulders. Crowley laid his head against Aziraphale’s chest, one arm wrapping around the angel’s waist. He briefly pulled up the blankets around them and took a deep shaking breath.

“Please don’t do that again, please tell me next time you’re scared. I want to help you, not break you down.”

Crowley just nodded numbly against Aziraphale’s chest. The angel knew this wasn’t the last of it, knew he’d learn more about the rape that had clearly left his demon traumatized. But for now he was content to hold him as he tried to find a little bit of comfort.

End

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt 1: Crowley wants to try a little bit of rougher play between them. He wants to be manhandled, held down and hurt just a little. He wants Aziraphale to verbally humiliate him as well. 
> 
> Aziraphale likes the idea more than he wants to admit, but he has ~concerns. 
> 
> He is very insistent that Crowley use his safe word if it gets to be too much at all. 
> 
> Crowley is very insistent that it WON'T be too much, he has no intention of using the safe word. 
> 
> That's why when it DOES start to get to be too much for him, too painful (emotionally AND physically), Crowley resists using his safeword. Aziraphale knows that Crowley's hurting, and refusing to say anything, and also knows that if they get through this and he HASN'T used the safeword, Aziraphale will never be able to bring himself to do anything like this again - not knowing that Crowley WON'T speak up if he needs to. 
> 
> So ... he pushes harder. Keeps pushing, until he's pushed far enough that Crowley, his voice broken, tears on his face, FINALLY safewords out. 
> 
> And then, he can give him all the tender, loving after-care that he needs, holding him and comforting him and taking care of him. 
> 
> BONUS: If at some point during the hurt part, Aziraphale just leans in and whispers in Crowley's ear, quietly PLEADING with him to "just say it, just say the word, my love..." because all he wants to do is be soft and gentle and loving with Crowley... but Crowley doesn't say it, not yet. 
> 
> Prompt 2: Paired with Crowley isn't into penetrative sex at all. He absolutely hates bottoming and gets no real pleasure out of it. (Reason for it is up to the author, maybe he was raped in the past, maybe it's painful to have an angel in him, maybe he just doesn't like it etc.)
> 
> He knows that Aziraphale loves fucking him though, so he forces himself to go through with it although every time it's awful for him.
> 
> Aziraphale has no idea and is absolutely horrified when he finds out that he has been doing something to Crowley that he doesn't want done to him. 
> 
> 3rd Prompt that I may fill: inspired by that fic with Nanny Ashtoreth Crowley getting harassed at work, id love to see something where the other staff at the Dowling house keep on trying to touch Crowley
> 
> and then maybe they catch him by surprise to gangbang him?
> 
> crowley with a vagina preferred


End file.
